Head Grenade Productions

I’ve been trying to write something for this all day and failing, so now I’m going to write something rather pointless instead. I’ve finished an anime I’ve been meaning to watch for almost two years, I’ve found an amazingly atmospheric game that shows a complete story without a single line of text or dialogue withing the game; but whenever I try to write about those, I get nothing, so now I’m going for the reverse.

I’ve screwed up a lot of things this week, actually. I skipped one class, didn’t pay attention in a lot of others, got behind on emails, friends, and everything in between. I’m running out of money, I’m horribly disorganized, and instead of doing real work, I spent a lot of time playing games and watching anime. I’ve left a lot of projects behind that were going great, and all the ones I’ve tried to start recently do nothing but flounder and die right after I start working on them. It’s really not been an amazing week at all.

I started this blog about writing, and I can’t remember how many times I’ve repurposed the ideas behind it. Forty or fifty, I guess. I’m getting rid of that. I just want to write. Hopefully, something useful comes of it. If not, well, I can’t get any worse off. Given the economy, I think I’m at the worst time to be a writer in a lot of ways. Certainly, a lot of people say that this is the best time to be an entertainer. After all, people have time, you have time, that gives you everything you need to make an audience, build a persona, get your work out there, become famous, and then when people have money again, the bank account suddenly comes out of the red and you have a bright and wonderful future ahead of yourself. I don’t really believe it in any more than a rational way. I don’t think it’s possible to; when you decide on something rather crazy, such as making a career out of writing, hope doesn’t really stick around.

But, I’ve learned a lot. From a lot of things. Especially when I fail. I’ve had two stories, that made me some degree of minuscule fame once, which I spent days on end working on, pouring my heart and soul into writing them. I could never earn a cent from them, and never will; it would be illegal, actually. But they were great stories, and I’ve made some good friends from that. And both of them cut out in the middle. I just stopped writing them. Not because I couldn’t figure out what to have happen next. I knew what would happen. I just couldn’t make it happen. It was too much, too tightly written, that I couldn’t get myself to make the next part come together. The work it took to make what I wanted to have happen work became unbearable, and I flaked out.

I’m actually trying again. If my random, unreliable plans finally come through, I’m going to start a regular story on this site here, just as ambitious, just as ridiculous in terms of realistic planning to write, and just as interesting to me. I don’t know how to explain what happened the first two times I did  long form story in very discreet pieces, but I’m going to have to make it work this time if I want to make my dreams. I’m at the point of no return now. College is almost done, I need a job, I need a life, I have people I have to take care of, meet, keep sane for. If I can’t get myself back to where I was once, soon, I’m going to end up giving up on writing, I’m sure. And then I don’t know what I’ll do.

But I guess I’ll see what happens next. After all, I’m a writer in a failing economy with an English degree. It’s not like they can pay me less than zero.